– Stifled by those dark clouds
It’s as if you’re helplessly sleepwalking through your entire life. Within a perpetual dream state; more accurately, a nightmare. You’re lost, never having ultimate control over the path you’re taking. Knowing something isn’t quite right with you, but you’re unable to pinpoint what it is, where it came from, why it’s happening to you…
You can not explain this. It simply controls you, relentlessly testing your strength to push forward. All the while searching for an answer that never reveals itself. Slowly, it drains the life from you. Ineptly, you fight back! But it only takes you down more quickly. Even the most brilliant doctors seem to be missing pertinent pieces to this neverending puzzle; depicting your state of health.
You push yourself further and further away from those around you. Tirelessly fighting for some understanding and empathy, yet you find there is none. You’re so misunderstood that your efforts only dig a deeper hole. You become careless about yourself… And why should you care? No one else seems to. Fighting this invisible monster takes every ounce of whom you once were and devours it down to your very marrow.
You’ve not only lost yourself in this cloud of uncertainty but those you love most in the world as well. All the while, others who wish you unwell devote themselves to tarnishing your character. Because they only see, and fervently point out, what they want others (especially your children) to see. Never realizing that they are punishing your children (whom they claim to supposedly love), with even more pain than they could ever inflict on you. Because nothing could be more cruel than this unseen demon causing the deterioration of your health, mental state, and in whole… your life. Thus leaving that weight they’ve so carelessly placed upon your children’s lap, as an obstacle; one with which they will have to fight to overcome throughout their lifetime.
Yet, we try and try again to open our loved ones’ eyes. Only to be disappointed and often slapped in the face; by their unwillingness to understand, to realize their misinterpretations, and to forgive. We may or may not succeed in lifting the veil for some, and there will always be that one; or two in my case, that will be lost to me. Forever, it seems. The two that I love more than the value of my own life. Yet they will never know because they were brainwashed by another. An unfit figure, in their lives. If I had only foreseen the damage that was being done.
I will forever be haunted, tortured, and left empty by this loss. I have no fight left in me to overcome it. There’s just this gaping hole, where their love once flourished. So I wait, exhausted, hopeless, mournful. I wait…
*This isn’t meant to bring anyone down, and I apologize if it has. Writing these thoughts and feelings down, relieve some of the weight of what I’m experiencing. If you’re dealing with something difficult, write it down. In a journal, or on a notepad in your phone; like I do. You may even make yourself little notes, as if you’re writing directly to that person. Also, I’ve understood that some take those notes and burn them, thus releasing it into the universe. Do whichever works for you, of course. I promise you, it will help. If even in the most minuscule way, you will feel a weight lifted.
You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ